June 17, 2018.
Happy Father’s Day.
This year will be the year that I have walked the earth longer without you than with you. It was always a strange feeling realizing that you were no longer with us. A feeling that could only be described as emptiness mixed with sadness and a hint of confusion.
I could sit here and try to explain what it was like – the process of dealing with the news of your cancer, and how that cancer quickly ate through your physical form till only a frail-bodied man was left in your place. In reality, it was simply a shadow of the person you were in this world. However, the hole left in your place is still ever-present.
This quote is simple in nature, yet, has really had an impact on me through out the last couple days. Over the years, I felt like I was stuck in this perpetual cycle of waiting. There were days that the world just seemed like this distant entity beyond my grasp and I simply was left in the darkness that engulfed its existence. There was no catching up to the world and it simply kept turning while I was left immobile.
It took me several years to realize the state of mind I was in and how to deal with this growing depression within me. I tried to figure out how to move forward and how to answer the difficult questions in life without your guidance or support. Questions like:
What does it mean to be a man?
How do I take care of my mother? Of my sisters?
What does it take to create a family?
The questions went on and on, and my actions did not seem to follow the movement of my thoughts. Instead, I could be better described as simply paralyzed. Eventually, my inspiration and motivation deteriorated to broken dreams and lamented stagnation.
Wasting my potential became habit and commonplace.
Like I said, it took me years to understand myself and where I was mentally. There are days that I still feel that looming weight pressing down on my body, but I have also had moments that have shown me aspects of life a person could only wish to experience. Moments that I chose to follow the quote aforementioned and lived my life without the chains I created in your absence.
Recently, I have found a niche in business and programming that keeps my mind moving forward. There are definitely times that I need to remind myself to stay motivated and reassert my actions to fulfill some of that potential you had seen in me all those years ago. I may not be a jet pilot or the President of the United States, but I still hold on to the belief that I can make the world a little better before I go.
Our relationship may have never been the greatest. We all need to find our own path in life and you were finding your own way as a person, too. However, you were my dad and I loved you.
I know there is a lot to your story that I never got to hear and I have come to terms with that information. Consequently, there is a lot to my story that I never got to share with you, too. Maybe one day we will reconnect somewhere in the ether and talk about the women we loved, the family we had, our disconnect from social situations, our little quarks, listen to old rock songs and maybe even watch a baseball game.
Till that moment.
Unfortunately, this life will more than likely render this experience for most people. We are all different and may handle the situations in varying degrees or stages of life, but losing a parent is never easy. I only hope that these few words in this iteration of the blog may help others to know they are not alone. We are all human and all hold the capacity to love and help one another.